I hate the persona that I’ve created after all this time. It’s not who I want to be and at this point I don’t know how to change it. The words that come out of my mouth are never things that I want to say. I only say what people expect of me. I don’t think that I can ever be a full person. Just a hollow shell trying to act out a role that I never wanted in the first place.
So apparently when you feel unlovable, worthless, hopeless, damaged and beyond help, that’s just spiraling. It’s not the reality of things and these feelings can in fact, be stopped if you realize that you’re spiraling, and refuse to go down that hole again, because it does nothing good for you to suffer due to lies.
And if your default state is feeling unlovable, damaged and beyond help, it means that the bottom of the spiral is where you live, constantly. It’s still not true, nobody is unlovable, people love abusers, how wouldn’t they love you. But to be living in a state so horrible you couldn’t possibly feel worse about yourself, that is traumatic.
Once you’ve been pushed down into that hole, its incredibly hard to dig your way out and see clearly that all of these are lies, especially if you’ve been fed these lies all your life, and had to build your entire belief system out of it, justified abuse due to it, made decisions based on it. It feels like a monumental part of you. You don’t know who you are without it. And the bottom of the spiral can feel safe and stable, you know you can’t be pushed further, you use it as your standing ground. But it’s still a bottom of a spiral of lies. And climbing out and falling back in hurts. So any attempts to get out of it are risky and painful.
It’s human and normal to want to be loved, and even at the bottom of the spiral, we can’t escape it. You’re going to try and climb out no matter what, because it’s human nature to try and find a place where we feel loved. You don’t deserve to live like this. Nobody deserves to be pushed down that spiral. You can realize when you’re spiraling towards it again, pause, and decide against it. Whoever made you feel this way, benefited from it. And they don’t get to have you hate yourself forever. They do not get to have it their way.
So the CONTEXT is that Xbox is releasing Diablo IV and they changed their logo to match that, BUT I’m CACKLING over the idea that Xbox decided 4 days of pride was enough and that the gays should burn in hell now
